This is the time of year when people across the country are planning their fantasy football draft. Fantasy Football is the place where geekiness and sports intersect, but I’m cranking up the geek factor with this fantasy draft. I’m taking the term “Fantasy Draft” to a new level. Three rules for drafting this fantasy team:
1. All fictional characters (with one exception)
2. No one is allowed to bring weapons/tools/special outfits.
3. Flying is not allowed – even if it is a natural ability of the character.
Quarterback: The number one draft pick has to be Superman, right? I remember in the movie he can really punt the ball. I can only assume he can throw pretty well too. (I also considered Uncle Rico, because he could throw a pigskin a quarter mile).
Running Back: Walter Payton (So this breaks two rules. One, he is not fictional, and two, he can clearly fly. Still, he’s my guy).
Backup Running Back: He-Man
Fullback: Kool-Aid Man. Have you seen the way this guy opens holes? He would be great in the power running game and on goal line. Probably wouldn’t be very good at catching passes.
Wide Receivers: The Flash and Sonic the Hedgehog on the outside. Wile E. Coyote in the slot. The Flash definitely has the speed on the outside to open the field. Not really sure if he has the hands, but he’s worth the risk. Sonic might be a little under-sized, but he can carry a bunch of rings at a time, so he can probably catch. He must have great hands. The Coyote has speed – not road runner speed, but he’s still fast and he clearly has a better chance of catching a football than a road runner. Plus, he can clearly take a pounding, so he’ll have no fear going across the middle. And finally, football fields have no cliffs, so I’m expecting 80 catches from this guy.
Tight End: Goro, the main bad guy from Mortal Kombat. He has a great physique, and is athletic enough to be a martial arts expert. And even though he only has three fingers on each hand, he has four hands, giving him two more fingers than the average tight end.
Offensive Line: Grape Ape at left tackle. We’ll give Grape Ape a simian buddy and put Donkey Kong at left guard. Violet Parr at center (she would be great at pass blocking). I’ll put the 6-2, 304 pound, and extremely athletic E Honda from Streetfighter II at right guard. The Iron Giant at right tackle.
Off. Coordinator: Professor Xavier. He would always be one step ahead of the defense.
Defensive Tackles: The Hulk and The Thing. It is possible that Hulk could get out of control. If he started to get too many penalties, he could be pulled for Optimus Prime.
Defensive Ends: Wolverine and Steve Austin (this one, not this one). Wolverine would have to be careful. Impaling left tackles would be considered a fifteen yard penalty. I would love to hear the Shh-na-na-na-na play as Steve Austin approached a quarterback in the pocket.
Linebackers: Panthro on the strong side. Tygra on the weak side and Lion-O in the middle. That’s right – a Thundercats linebacker corps. They’ve got (dare I say) cat-like quickness, strength, agility, and toughness. Not having the Sword of Omens limits Lion-O, but he’ll be all right. Cheetarah can come in as a Nickelback on passing situations. For years there have been rumors about a Thundercats movie. I hope they are more than rumors.
Strong safety:Sideswipe (the Transformer) has speed, strength and a little bit of cockiness. If he transformed into the sports car, it might be a tell for the safety blitz, but I wouldn’t want to pick him up.
Free Safety: Mr Fantastic. Can you imagine how valuable he would be in pass defense. It would be almost impossible to get over the top of him.
Cornerbacks: Spiderman and Silver Surfer. Spiderman would be an interception machine – even if he couldn’t bring his web shooters. The Surfer is sort second-class in terms of popularity, but apparently he’s kind of a bad-ass.
Defensive Coordinator: Darth Vader. There will be no holes in his defense – not even a small hole the size of a wamprat.
Kicker: Anton Lubchenko, before this happened to him.
So there you have it – the truly great Fantasy Football Team. By the way, if these guys played the ’85 Bears, the score would be Bears 46, Fantasy Team 10. Do you have any substitutions to suggest?
A few weeks ago I wrote a blog called “I want to get punched in the face.” Let me just say now that, “I take it back.” I do not want to get punched in the face. Getting punched in the face hurts. It is not fun.
I’ve been going to about two boxing classes a week for the last few weeks, and it has been fun. I love hitting the bags. I love going through the combinations. Until Wednesday night, I even loved sparring. Guys have been really cool about taking it easy on me. I’ve sparred with a couple of different guys, and we’ve traded some light punches, worked on some combinations and counters, but nothing real hard. After each round I am wiped out. Even though I know we’re not really fighting, there is something about sparring that turns up the adrenaline.
I said a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to get punched in the face. Most of my sparring didn’t include very many punches to the face. There were a couple, but none that were very hard. Then came the shot I took last Wednesday night. I made a few mistakes.
1. I was sparring with someone I didn’t know. Big mistake. The guys I had sparred with before were guys that I watched for three weeks before I stepped in with them. This guy was a new guy (at least to me). I watched him spar once, and he seemed like he was punching kind of hard, but I didn’t think much of it. The guys I spar with punch each other hard, then turn it down a notch to fight the new guy.
2. I didn’ t wear headgear. But I never wear the headgear. It doesn’t fit (big surprise). I think this guy interpreted my unadorned head as a sign of toughness instead of what it really meant – a sign of big-headedness.
3. I let him punch me in the face. We were sparring. He was dancing around a lot. Every once in awhile he would take some weird dipping punch at my stomach that meant nothing. I was getting bored. I decided to scrap with him a little. Then he punched me in the face. It hurt. We kept going. It’s not like he knocked me out. I wasn’t cut (though there was a distinct mark on my cheek the next morning). I wasn’t injured. It just hurt, and I decided that I had been terribly wrong before.
In conclusion: I no longer want to get punched in the face. I tried it. It sucks. I will probably continue boxing. I will probably keep sparring, just not with young kids that want to prove something against the Fat Pastor.
So my journey to battle middle age and a bulging belly continues. Last summer I tried to reclaim my youth by joining a football team. It was an absurd proposition that turned into one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I’ll never forget the feeling I had on the first day of full-contact practice. I looked around and saw a bunch of guys younger, more fit, bigger, stronger and meaner than me and I wondered, “What the heck am I doing here?”
I was a little worried about how I’d do but it turned out, I held my own. I wasn’t the most valuable player on the team, but I certainly had value. I started a few games. I had some minor injuries (my shoulder finally stopped hurting about a month ago, so I can do push ups again). I made a lot of friends and developed relationships that opened up dicussions about God and religion. Like I said before, it was a great experience.
A few weeks ago I had sense of deja vu as I walked into a boxing class. As I looked at a bunch of guys that were younger, stronger, more fit, more experienced, and more fit than me, all I could think to myself was, “What the heck am I doing here?”
Since moving this spring, I’ve been looking for a gym and I’ve been intrigued by a multitude of martial arts gyms in the area. After doing some calling, I finally decided to give a boxing class a try. A few years ago my wife and I took a cardio kick-boxing class. We really enjoyed it, and I dropped a lot of body fat doing it. So I found a boxing class that was fairly reasonable and decided to give it a try.
Let me tell you one thing, this is not a cardio kickboxing class. I walked into the gym and saw a dozen guys punching, kicking and clutching at each other. It was a mixed martial arts class that was going on before the boxing class, but I had a feeling I was stepping into something I had never experienced before. This was not a bunch of people punching bags to the beat the music. This was a bunch of men and women learning to beat the crap out of each other.
I have never punched another person in my life – at least not with any intent to do any harm. But there I was on the first day of class going through punch combinations against another person. Again, we weren’t hitting bags, we were hitting each other. Granted, I was mostly hitting gloves, but it was still a very strange feeling. Our coach is Nile Pena. He comes from a boxing family. His Dad has had a gym for years and has trained Olympians and world champions. He knows what he is doing, and he’s a really good teacher. The hour and a half workout went something like this:
Jumping rope. The other people in my class picked up the rope and jumped for three minutes straight. They didn’t miss. They didn’t pause. They just kept going. I would go for awhile, then stop and catch my breath. Then go for awhile, then try to do the cool shuffling style they were doing, then get tripped up. The I would go for awhile, and stop to put my arms up to breathe. They just kept going.
Combinations. We would go through combinations to try and simulate fighting situations. We worked on footwork, throwing punches, moving, bobbing and weaving.
Bag work. Mostly for strength and conditioning we hit the bag for awhile.
Sparring. Put on the headgear (they don’t have any that fit me – big surprise), put in your mouth guard and box. I sat this out for the first few weeks and watched or did bag work. Guys would box for three minute rounds. No one was throwing knock out punches, but they weren’t playing paddy-cake either. It looked like so much fun, but I didn’t have the courage to try at first.
Sprints. Well, sprints is a relative term. I keep going, which is the important thing. I’ll work up to sprinting.
Last night I sparred for the first time.
After watching for a few weeks I decided to give it a try. There is a guy in the gym that has clearly been fighting for a long time. That was the guy I wanted to spar for a few reasons. One, there was no way I was going to hurt this guy. Two, he was super laid back and really helpful. I told him to talk to me to let me know if I was doing anything wrong. I did not want to be the guy the comes and starts throwing haymakers to a guy that could clearly destroy me if he wanted to.
As we started, my heart was racing. I threw a couple of jabs half-heartedly. He countered a couple of times and sort of tapped me on the head. We danced around a little bit, and he told me, “Come on, throw some punches.” So I started to a throw a little bit more. He threw some back. That helped. When he hit me, I felt like he was giving me permissino to hit him back. I tried some combinations. He countered and tagged me in the face a couple of times.
I sparred two more rounds. One with another guy who was just as helpful, and one more with the first guy. There is no question that if we were really boxing, I would have been knocked out – quickly. But I got some good punches in, and I took a few decent ones. I’m looking forward to doing it again. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to get punched in the face. I’m not sure if I’ll ever do anything more than spar, but it is a lot of fun.
After every class I go home exhausted, soaked in sweat, and feeling really good. I’ve been trying to get there two nights a week. Hopefully it continues to be a great experience. At the very least, it will give me some blogging material for awhile.
Schadenfreude: Taking pleasure from the suffering of another.
Lisa Simpson taught me this word many years ago. She used it to describe how Homer was feeling when Ned Flanders’ Leftorium was going out of business. It is not a noble feeling. It mostly stems from jealousy, which is never pretty. In sports, schadenfreude is pretty common. In recognition of the Heat’s recent loss, which has to be one of the top sports schadenfreude moments in history, I have compiled a list of other great moments.
10 and 9. Anytime Duke or the Dallas Cowboys lose. No real reason, I just can’t stand Duke or the Dallas Cowboys 8. Maybe Free Throws should move up on your list. In an interview on Pardon the Interruption, Coach John Calipari was asked about the importance of free throws. He responded, in his ever glib manner, “If I made a list of 100 things I use to evaluate a player, free throws wouldn’t be on it.” A few days later his star player Derrick Rose was at the free throw line with national championship on the line. A couple of missed free throws later, Kansas beat Coach Cal’s Memphis Tigers and cut down the nets. A few years later, the Final Four banner in Memphis was taken down. In light of recent scandals, I’ve actually gained respect for Coach Cal. At least he isn’t out there writing books about moral values and spirituality. With him, you know what you get – a few temporary banners to hang in your gym.
7. The Patron Saint of the Sweater Vest resigns. Under normal circumstances, I don’t take pleasure in someone losing their job. As unemployment in this country remains over 9%, it seems particularly insensitive to laugh when someone new is added to the list. But when the guy in question has written a book called The Winners’ Manual for the Game of Life, and he resigns in the midst of a growing cheating scandal that suggests systemic corruption, I can’t help but enjoy his downfall. I’m not sure if there is a chapter in Jim Tressel’s book about maintaining a culture of lies and intentionally turning a blind eye as his spoiled athletes cheat the system. I haven’t read it, and don’t plan to. I think what’s worse are reports from Buckeye fans that are defending this guy. They are blaming Terelle Pryor for “bringing down” their god. Pryor certainly isn’t blameless, and he might have been the catalyst for getting him caught, but being mad at him for exposing Tressel is like getting mad at Toto for revealing the Wizard. That whole good-guy image was just smoke and mirrors.
6. Timeout! The Fab Five was one of the most polarizing teams in college basketball history. Love them or hate them, they helped define an era of basketball. Count me in the group of people that couldn’t stand ‘em. Looking back now, I can see that much of the vitriol aimed at Michigan was about class and race, but I don’t think that was why I didn’t like them. I just don’t like Michigan. So when the Wolverines and North Carolina were playing for a national championship in 1993, I was pulling for the Tar Heels. North Carolina was up 73-71 with 19 seconds left in the game when Chris Weber snagged a rebound. He awkwardly took the ball up the court, and then got caught in a trap along the sideline. Fearful of giving up the ball, and unable to find an open man, Weber called a timeout.
Usually that would be considered a good move. The only problem was that Michigan didn’t have any more timeouts. With 11 second remaining, a technical foul was called against the Flub Five. Two free throws plus the ball meant that Carolina won 77-71.
The Fab Five produced two Final Fours, but neither banner hangs in the Crisler Arena anymore. In 2002, a widespread cash for play scandal was revealed. There were indictments, forfeited games, and for all those that couldn’t stand the Fab Five, a lot of schadendreude.
5. The Rich Rodriguez Era. When I was in High School I was visiting my brother at the University of Illinois. One of his fraternity brothers taught me a filthy version of “Hail to the Victors.” I didn’t even understand what all the words meant, but I knew one thing: Michigan sucks. Unfortunately, this was more wishful thinking than actually describing the quality of Michigan’s football teams. They (along with Ohio State) have dominated the Big Ten. They’ve won 42 conference titles, and been to 20 Rose Bowls. Seriously, Michigan is the worst. Even their colors are pretentious – It’s Yellow!
After hiring Rich Rodriguez from West Virginia, there were lawsuits, players quitting, an NCAA investigation and mediocrity on the field. I watched it all with glee. In three seasons with Rich Rod at the helm, the Wolverines went 15-22 and won only six Big Ten games. He was fired last year after a 7-6 season and a loss in the Gator Bowl.
5a. The Charlie Weis Era. For pretty much all the same reasons. Some think that College Football is better when Notre Dame and Michigan are good. I’m not one of them. I hate it when they play each other, I honestly cannot decide which team I want to lose more. The Brian Kelly era hasn’t exactly been stellar either – I still cannot believe he wasn’t punished more severely for his irresponsible actions surrounding the death of Declan Sullivan.
4. The Exception to the Rule: Corey Wooten’s first career sack. When I started thinking about this list I thought to myself, “No injuries.” I have never taken joy out of someone getting injured while playing sports. Then I remembered the exception. I’m not sure if anyone in sports history has ever done so much to lose respect and appreciation without doing anything illegal as Bret Favre. As a Packer, I hated the guy because he beat my Bears so much, but I always respected him. I respected his play, his joy, and his toughness. He seemed like the kind of guy that would be fun to play with and against. Then the retirement carousel began. It was all so narcissistic. Every August for three – or was it four – years, the Favre Watch would start. Would he retire? Would he call a press conference? Who would he play for? It all got so tiresome as he held one franchise after another hostage.
He ended his career with the Packers by throwing an interception in the NFC Championship. He should have ended his career with the Viking the same way. Instead, he came back for another year in 2011. This is how it ended, maybe.
3. One word: “Bartman.” The Cubs may be the lovable losers for everyone else in the country, but to White Sox fans, only one of those terms applies. In 2003, the Cubs were five outs from going to their first World Series since 1945. They were up 3-0 over the Marlins in the top of the eighth inning of game 6 and held a 3-2 series advantage. Mark Pryor was rolling, and Cubs fans everywhere believed that the temperature in hell had reached the mid-40s. I was watching the game in my living room, sitting on my chair. A Lifelong Phillies and Sox fan, I was actually half-heartedly pulling for the Cubs.Chicago baseball had been so bad for so long, I was ready for a World Series in Chicago.
Then Luis Castillo hit what seemed like a meaningless foul ball. Leftfielder Moises Alou was under it, but against the wall. A Cubs fan, wearing a Cubs hat, ear phones, and a green turtleneck under a black sweatshirt did what any other fan would have done in the same situation. He tried to catch a foul ball. In the process, he knocked it away from Alou. Instead of being the second out of the inning, Castillo walked. Before the inning was over, eight Marlins crossed the plate. The Cubs lost 8-3. After the inning, I laughed and told my wife, “That is so Cub-like.” In game 7, the Cubs had their ace Kerry Wood on the mound with a 5-3 lead after four innings. Bartman had nothing to do with them losing that game 9-6.
In the aftermath, the ball has been destroyed, Steve Bartman was forced into a semi-exilic state. Bartman will forever be remembered in Chicago. Some will remember him with pain and anguish. Others, like me, will remember him with a light chuckle and a dash of schadenfreude.
2. The Yankees lose. Ttttthhhhhheeeeeeee Yankees. Lose!
Yankee-hating is a long-standing tradition in America, and for good reason. Steinbrenner, Jackson, Martin, Cashman, Jeter, A-Rod, and a legion of annoyingly arrogant New Yorkers created the original Evil Empire. The majority of the 80s can be added to this list as the Yankees floundered, much to the joy of most long-time baseball fans. In the mid-90s though, the golden era of Yankee-hating ended. In 2004, the Yankees had won 5 of the last 6 league pennants. The Yankees had beaten the Red Sox in seven games the year before. The Yankees owned the Red Sox. The Yankees were THE dominant force in baseball. After getting trounced 19-8 in game 3 of the 2004 American League Championship Series, it looked like another horrible end for the Red Sox. Thus began the greatest collapse in the history of baseball. There was a rare Rivera blown-save, a bloody sock, a bunch of “idiots” with long hair, and David Ortiz hitting what seemed like a dozen home runs, including a two-run walk-off bomb in the bottom of the 12th in game 4
Looking back, Schilling has become more and more annoying, Ortiz and Ramirez have both been implicated in the steroid-era, and the ultimate “idiot” Johnny Damon joined the Dark Side. The Red Sox have their own brand of annoyingly arrogant fans – a sort of Mini-Me to the Yankees Dr. Evil. But at the time, for Yankees haters everywhere, the 2004 ALCS was prime schadenfreude material.
1. LeBron James and the Heat lose to the Dallas Mavericks.
I used to like Lebron. When he was a rookie, I picked him a little early in a fantasy draft. Other managers ridiculed me, telling me he was “all hype.” I believed the hype, and his all-around excellence helped my team win the league championship. He has since developed into what appears to be an unstoppable force. When the Bulls were struggling through the Del Negro mediocrity, the Cavs were my second favorite team. Even after The Decision, I didn’t join in the venomous attacks on Lebron. I figured, he took less money to play with friends and go after a championship – that’s not all that bad. I was afraid a lot of the venom was more racially motivated than people admitted. But the guy just wore on me, and here’s a quick list of why: 1. The team just seemed to whine all season, and never understood why they weren’t liked. They painted a big target on themselves, and then wondered why people were taking shots. 2. “The Chosen One” is inked on his back (chosen for what?) 3. The pre-season self-predicted Seven-Peat (or was it eight?) 4. The early celebration in game two. It was just a pattern of self-promotion and premature celebration. So when they basically quit playing with about 60 seconds left in Game 6, I was in full schadenfreude-mode.
So there it is – my all time Top Ten Sports Schadenfreude moments. I’m not proud of any of it. Takeing joy from the suffering of others isn’t exactly “Love your neighbor” kind of stuff. But this is sports, and part of what makes sports are fun is that it’s a fantasy world. It’s a world where I cheer for the good guys and everyone else is bad. It’s a world where I care deeply about the results of adults playing kid games. It’s a world where I can forget about war and poverty and justice and just enjoy great athletes, great drama, and great joy and great suffering – especially if its the Yankees, Wolverines, Cowboys or Favre doing the suffering.
So the news today in Illini Nation is that Ron Guenther has retired. After 19 years of service as the athletic director at the University of Illinois, he will step down on June 30. As a huge Illini fan, I have mixed feelings. I think Guenther has run a pretty good program. They have had spots of success in many sports, and there has no been no major controversies surrounding their coaches. There was the Jamar Smith incident, but that seemed to be more of an isolated case than a part of a program-wide problem.
My first reaction to Guenther is that he ran a clean department that had excellence in non-revenue sports. Under his watch the Illini became the only school outside of Florida, California and Texas to win an Men’s Tennis national championship. I think that is pretty cool. There also seemed to be a steady flow of national champions in track and field, wrestling and gymnastics. The volleyball and soccer programs seem strong as well. Most ignore these achievements, but I think it is a source of pride that Illini athletics seems to be pretty well-rounded.
Under his tenure Memorial Stadium underwent major renovations. The entire football experience has been improved (although the ILL-INI chant is not as cool with the new alignment of the students). Before the economy went belly-up, there were plans to renovate the Assembly Hall, and the practice facilities – which play a major part in recruitment – have also been improved.
On the field three seasons stand out: the 2001 Sugar Bowl football team, the 2005 Final Four basketball team and the 2008 Rose Bowl football team. All three provided great memories and lasting records, but ended up falling short of championships. And in the end, I feel like that is going to be the most enduring feeling over Guenther’s tenure – coming up short.
The football and men’s basketball programs have been frustrating to follow over the last 19 years. They show signs of improvement and glimmers of excellence, only to slip back into maddening mediocrity. Bruce Weber and Ron Zook seem like decent guys, and I appreciate their character, but I think the University of Illinois deserves better than decent. It should be possible to have both character and championships. While the athletic department seems to have character, the Illini don’t have enough championships. Is it too much to want both?
Maybe in the current climate of college athletics it is too much to ask for. I’m glad the Illini didn’t run out and hire Tom Caliparri or Kelvin Sampson. But it would be nice to hire a college basketball coach that knows how to beat a zone defense. It would be nice to have football coaches that help players get better over four years instead of recruiting high school all-stars that never reach their potential.
There are some Illini fans that are celebrating today. I’m not one of them. I believe that Ron Guenther is a decent guy and ran a decent program. I just think the Illini deserve better.
It is now time for the third annual mascot bracket. Tired of losing every year with my own basketball knowledge, I decided to divise a very scientific method of picking the NCAA tournament. It all revolves around this question:
Which mascot would win in a fight? For schools that have different nicknames than mascots, I defer to the meaning of the nickname. For example, last year I determined that a Blue Devil is not a supernatural being. The Blue Devils were a fighting squadron from World War I. With nicknames that are ambiguous – especially about whether or not they are armed, I might defer to the logo or mascot.
Last year, I entered the Mascot Bracket into a yahoo public group. There were about 30 entries, including the picks of Joe Lunardi, President Barack Obama, My three-year-old daughter, all the top seeds, and me. The Mascot Bracket won, and finished in the 84th percentile. Also, all mascots are treated as individuals unless they are specifically plural.
The rules:
There are a few rules to follow:
Inanimate objects, e.g. colors and plants, always lose to animate objects.
Predators beat non-predators and unarmed humans.
Humans beat non-predators.
Humans with weapons beat predators.
Humans with weapons beat humans without weapons.
Humans with superior weapons/fighter training win.
Supernatural beings and killer weather systems are tough to beat.
Ties go to the high seed.
Prepositions lose to everything.
PLAY-IN GAMES
Alabama State Hornets def. UT San Antonio Road Runners. The hornet can sting multiple times. The road runner has no discernable offense. It might take awhile, but the hornet wins. Things are looking good for the Hornets, who have the luck of taking on a plant next.
Alabama-Birmingham Blazers def. Clemson Tigers. I thought this would be tougher, expecting that, like the former Portland basketball team, the blazers was short for trailblazers. I was wrong. Apparantly, the Blazers are a bad-ass dragon with blazing fire out its mouth. They are going to be tough to beat.Southern California Trojans def. Virginia Commonwealth Rams. Armed human over animal (Rule 4).
Arkansas Little Rock Trojans def. North Carolina Ashville Bulldogs. A Trojan will beat a bulldog even easier than he would beat a Ram.
EAST
(16) Alabama State Hornets def. (1) Ohio State Buckeyes. The Ohio State University kills me every year. The 16-seed hornet takes out the buckeye, as per Rule #1.
(8) George Mason Patriots def. Villanova Wildcats. Armed human shoots the wildcat.
(12) UAB Blazers def. (5) West Virginia Mountaineers. Usually the armed man defeats the predatory animal. But usually the predatory animal isn’t a GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGON!!! I’ve seen Harry Potter, and no hillbilly with a shotgun is going to take out an Hungarian Horntail.
(13) Princeton Tigers def. Kentucky Wildcats. A big mean, predatory cat devours the much smaller, mean, predatory cat.
(3) Syracuse Orange def. Indiana State Sycamores. Seriously, when I saw this draw I laughed out loud. Every year Syracuse is an early exit from the Mascot Bracket. They finally found a matchup they could win. The color versus the tree would undoubtedly be the least entertaining of all of these matchups. This has to defer to RULE #8 – ties go to the higher seed.
(6) Xavier Musketeers def. (11) Marquette Golden Eagles. Muskets aren’t the most accurate gun ever invented, but all it would take is one shot, unless of course the Golden Eagle is made of actual gold. But then it wouldn’t really be able to mount much of an offense
(7) Washington Huskies def. (10) Georgia Bulldogs. In a (excuse the pun) dog-eat-dog matchup, I’d have to go with the Husky. And this youtube video proves it. It is of an actual bulldog and a husky pit against each other in fierce competition. In the end, the Husky clearly comes out on top (just watch it).
(2) North Carolina Tar Heels def. (15) Long Island Blackbirds. The Tar Heel name is the stuff of legend, but according to the UNC website, it started during the Civil War and refers either to the North Carolina soldiers’ stubborn ability to stand and fight, as if they had tar on their heels; or was a slur used to make fun of the poor and dirty soldiers that made tar. For the purposes of the Mascot Bracket, I’m going with civil war soldier.
ROUND THREE
(8) George Mason Patriots def. Alabama State Hornets. No weapon needed, just a hand or rolled up copy of “Common Sense”
(12) UAB Blazers def. Princeton Tigers. “Princeton yells for Tigers, and Wisonsin for Varsity,” but the Blazers would eat roast cat.(6) Xavier Musketeers def. Syracuse Orange. RULE #1
(2) North Carolina Tar Heels def. Huskies. RULE #4
REGIONALS
Blazers def. Patriots
Tar Heels def. Musketeers RULE #6
Tar Heels def. Blazers. Okay, so you might be asking, would a civil war soldier be able to beat a dragon? Would a Tar Heel be able to do what a Mountaineer, Tiger, and Patriot failed to do? Well, the Tar Heel just shot a Musketeer and a Huskie without a challenge. The Dragon has been shot at by two different people and taken some nasty tiger bites. I’m saying the dragon is more weakened by the previous three rounds than the tar heel. If you think I’m wrong, make your own mascot bracket. Besides, its RULE #4.
SOUTHWEST
I say. I say, I say, what is a Jayhawk, boy?
(1) Kansas Jayhawks def. (16) Boston Terriers. The Jayhawks present quite a problem. The mascot itself resembles foghorn leghorn. According to some research, it is actually supposed to be a cross between a Blue Jay (because its annoying) and a Sparrow Hawk (because it is a stealthy hunter). If you go by this, then it is not particularly intimidating. Granted, neither is a boston terrier, but I’d still pick the terrier over an annoying bird. However, I have a tradition of going back to the meaning of the mascot. According to the school website, the Jayhawk refered to pioneers in Kansas that bugged other pioneers, notably from Nebraska. As Kansas moved toward statehood, there was quite a public debate over whether Kansas would be a free or a slave state. Ruffians on both sides of this battle were dubbed “Jayhawkers” and were known to rob, vandalize, sack, set fire to, and steal horses from the other side. In time, the Jayhawks referred mainly to the free-staters. So, that is a very long-winded way to determine that the true meaning of Jayhawk is not a stupid little bird, but a 1850s thug that was against slavery. In other words, RULE #4.
(8) Illinois Fighting Illini def. (9) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels . This is another tough one. Neither the Rebel nor the Illini is intrinsically armed. the Rebel seems to be a Civil War era rebel, but the school was really called the rebels because they rebelled against the University of Nevada. I’m going with the Illini because of the adjective. In the Mascot Bracket, it helps to fight instead of run.
(5) Vanderbilt Commodores def. (12) Richmond Spiders. Unless the Commodore has a severe case of arachnophobia.
(13) Morehead State Eagles def. (4) Louisville Cardinals. RULE #2
(3) Purdue Boilermakers def. (14) St. Peter’s Peacocks. Seriously, its a big dude with a hammer against a non-flight bird. It’s a pretty gruesome image.
(11) USC Trojans def. (6) Georgetown Hoyas. What’s a hoya? Well, that is a question that Georgetown opponents have been chanting for decades. Wikipedia gives us the answer – it appears to have come from a chant, “Roxa Hoya,” which is loosely translated from Latin to “such rocks.” Hoya is basically Latin for “Such as.” Long story short: Prepositions lose.
(10) Florida State Seminoles def. (7) Texas A&M Aggies. You would think an Aggie is someone involved in agriculture. Look up Texas A & M Aggie. Apparantly their mascot is a collie. Lassie doesn’t stand a chance against the guy with the flaming spear riding a horse.
(2) Notre Dame Fighting Irish def. (15) Akron Zips. For some reason the Zips use a kangaroo as their mascot. This boxing kangaroo notwithstanding, I think a good drunken Irishman would whip a kangaroo.
(5) Vanderbilt Commodores def. (13) Morehead St. Eagles
(11) USC Trojans def. (3) Purdue Boilermakers. The Trojans have swords and armor and stuff. The Boilermaker has a hammer.
REGIONALS
Commodores def. Jayhawks. A Commodore is a naval officer, a jayhawk is some rabble rouser with a pitchfork.
Seminoles def. Trojans. I really didn’t know who would win this one, so I did a little more searching. The first google image of a seminole is a guy with a huge shotgun. Screw the flaming spear, Seminoles win big.
Seminoles def. Commodores. Again, this is a really tough one. I think the Seminole would be able to beat the naval officer, because most officers are older and have seen their battles in years past.
SOUTHEAST
(16) Arkansas Little Rock Trojans def. (1) Pittsburgh Panthers. Here’s another big upset. I was expecting the Buckeyes to go down in the first round. I’m not too crazy about losing the Panthers.
(9) Old Dominion Monarchs def. (8) Butler Bulldogs. I’m assuming that a monarch would have some access to a weapon of some kind, but if you go by the mascot they use, a lion, that wins too.
The Utah State Aggie is apparanrly a bull. The Texas A & M Aggie is a collie.
(12) Utah State Aggies def. (5) Kansas State Wildcats. Whether the Utah State Aggie is a farmer or the bull on the left, it would beat a wildcat. Wildcats are really not that big.
(13) Belmont Bruins def. (4) Wisconsin Badgers. A badger is a mean little bastard, but a bruin is a bear. A bear. This little part of the bracket is all upsets.
(3) BYU Cougars def. (14) Wofford Terriers. If Wofford were the pit bull terriers, it might be interesting. They’re not. They are boston terriers. A nice snack for a cougar.
(6) St. John’s Red Storm def. (11) Gonzaga Bulldogs. Another dog goes down. I suppose by drowning, or maybe lightning strike. The fact that the Storm is red doesn’t add to its ferocity, but most dogs are total cowards in storms. I know mine is.
(10) Michigan State Spartans def. (7) UCLA Bruins. This is something right out of a Charlton Heston movie. It would be a great fight, but according to RULE #4, Sparty wins.
(15) UC Santa Barbara Gauchos def. (2) Florida Gators. Much like the last matchup, this might be fun to watch, that is, until the Gaucho pulls out his six-shooter.
THIRD ROUND
(16) Ark-LR Trojans def. ODU Monarchs. The ODU Monarch is a lion. The Trojan against the Lion would be an intersting fight, but I’m going with RULE #4. (I’m not expecting many points out of this part of the bracket).
(13) Belmont Bruins def. (12) Utah State Aggies. That bull looks pretty tough, but not up against a bear.
(6) St. John’s Red Storm def. (3) BYU Cougars. RULE #7.
REGIONALS
Trojans def. Bruins
Red Storm def. Bruins (tough day for Bruins)
Red Storm def. Trojans.
WEST
The Blue Devil on the left if the historic root of the mascot – a French fighting force in WWI. The Blue Devil on the right is lame.
(1) Duke Blue Devils def. (16) Hampton Pirates. Duke was named for a French squadron in World War I, and if you are thinking, “How tough can they be if they were French?” then you are betraying your ignorance about world history. The French were long known as one of the greatest armies of the world – and they were especially tough during World War I.
(12) Memphis Tigers def. (5) Arizona Wildcat. The second matchup between a Tiger and a Wildcat. Again, the tigers win.
(13) Oakland Grizzlies def. (4) Texas Longhorns. Again, Grizzlies are big, bad bears. Not sure many land mammals could take out a Grizzlie, except Baxter from Anhorman.
(14) Bucknell Bison def. (3) UConn Huskies. A bison would trample a huskie.
(11) Missouri Tiger def. (6) Cininnati Bearcat. A bearcat vs a badger would be a tough call. A bearcat vs a tiger is not.
(7) Temple Owls def. (10) Penn State Nittany Lions. A Nittany Lion is really just a wildcat from Pennsylvannia. It isn’t real big or vicious, and I think an owl would wear it down.
(2) San Diego State Aztecs def. (15) Northern Colorado Bears. The armed human defeats the bear.
ROUND THREE
(1) Duke Blue Devils def. (9) Tennessee Volunteers. Volunteers were named after fighters in the war of 1812. This is RULE #6.
(13) Oakland Grizzlies def. (12) Memphis Tigers. This might the best matchup of the entire tournament. My first instinct is to go with the bear, but a tiger is a bad dude. Not sure who to pick, I went to the “expert” at Wild Animal Fight Club. The writer seemed to know more about animals than me, and he picked the Tiger. I’ll go with Memphis.
(11) Missouri Tigers def. (14) Bucknell Bisons. The Bison has no offense. The tiger naturally takes down animals like yaks and elk.
(2) San Diego State Aztecs def. (7) Temple Owls. RULE #4.
REGIONALS
Blue Devils shoot the Tigers
Tigers def. Aztecs. This looks like a RULE #4, but the Aztec weapons were almost all hand held. I don’t like the chances of any man versus a Tiger unless he has gun powder, or at least a projectile of some kind.
It really isn’t even much a debate. I’ve decided what the best college basketball program is that never won a national championship. And the winner is…
Seriously, it’s not even really close. In almost any way that you judge this, Illinois is the best overall basketball program to never win a national championship. Not only do they have the best program, but might have had two of the best teams to not win chamionships.
I’m not really sure how I feel about this. As a huge Illini fan, it’s not exactly something to be excited about. The Illini are sort of the “Crash Davis” of college basketball. Crash Davis, of course, is the fictional character in the movie “Bull Durham” that broke the record for most career home runs in the minor leagues. On the one hand, it’s pretty cool to have hit more home runs than any one else. On the other hand, he did it in the minors. For Illinois, it is pretty cool to stack up the accolades, the Final Fours, the All-Americans, Big Ten Championships, and then realize that they were never the last team standing. Ever.
Consider the following:
Illinois has 38 all-time NCAA tournament victories. That is 18th all-time. Every team in the top 20, other than the Illini, have a national championship.
Their 67 tournament games ranks 16th. Again, all the teams in front of them have won a title.
1,630 all-time victories is 13th all-time. Penn, St. John’s, and Temple have more wins without a title. Of those three, only St. John’s has a higher winning percentage.
17 Big Ten Championships. Purdue, Indiana and Ohio State have more. Purdue has never won a national championship, and could be in this discussion, but their NCAA past isn’t strong enough.
5 Final Four appearances. That is tied for 14th all time. Every team with more appearances has won a national championship. The other teams with 5 Final Fours are Houston and Georgetown. Georgetown won it in 1984. Houston has never won a title. But Houston had basically one great team in the early 80’s with Drexler and Olajuwon. They went to three straight Final Fours from 1982-84, and all five were under the same coach. Illinois’s Final Fours came in four different decades and were under three different coaches. Plus, Houston hasn’t won an NCAA game since 1984.
10 Sweet 16 appearances in four different decades – the 50s, 60s, 80s, and 2000s.
6 consensu All-Americans
1 title lost because of some of their best players, the original “Whiz Kids” enlisted to fight in World War II.
47 Illini that played in the NBA, including guys with pretty good careers, like: Deron Williams, Kendal Gill, Nick Anderson, Nick Weatherspoon, Eddie Johnson, Johnny “Red” Kerr, and Hall of Famer Andy Phillip.
The website The Bleacher Report is the only other site I have seen that covered this topic. They picked Memphis. The author does not give a very good reason. His reasoning: Memphis has three final fours and two national championship games, one dating back to 1973. Nevermind the fact that one of those Final Fours has since been forfeited, but Illinois has more Final Fours, plus their three third place finishes date back to the post-war era. We’re talking 60 years of being almost great. Plus, he gives them extra credit for being in a non-power conference. Not sure why that is a plus. I’ll take Illinois’s 17 Big Ten titles.
A year later the same website ranked the top 20 basketball programs of all time. Guess who was the highest ranked program sans championship? I’ll give you a clue, they wear orange and blue. Illinois was ranked #17. The only other team in the top twenty without a title was No. 20 Temple.
Sports Reference came out with a formula just a few weeks ago. It is purely mathematical, using scores from all games. Top Five: 1. Duke, 2. North Carolina, 3. Kansas, 4. Kentucky, 5. Illinois. This is an objective figure. No weight given to championships or NCAA tournaments or prestige. It is purely about the scores of games, and Illinois came out 5th all-time.
I’m not sure what all of this proves. That last figure actually depressed me a little. What if those guys on the Whiz Kids stuck around and won a national championship and then enlisted? What if Kentucky wasn’t allowed to play their regional finals at home in the 80s? What if Nick Anderson had boxed out and kept Michigan from putting back the game-winner in Seatle? What if James Augustine hadn’t gotten into such ridiculous foul trouble? How many championship banners could be hanging in the Assembly Hall?
There are some other good programs that have never won titles. Memphis, Houston, Missouri, Purdue, Iowa, Temple, Kansas State could all make an argument. None of them have the same resume – especially the prolonged “excellence.” I guess I can take comfort in the fact that Phil Mickelson held the title, “Best Golfer without a Major” for years before finally breaking through with multiple championships. Maybe the Illini can follow Lefty’s footsteps. I fear, however, they’ll need a better plan against zone defenses and a stronger inside presence first.
The playoffs of the Great Midwest Football League start this Saturday. The Dawgs travel to St. Louis to take on the Midwest Chargers.
I’m not making the trip. It hurts, but I think that my season is over. It has been a wild ride, and I am so glad I did it. I met a lot of great guys that accepted me onto their team. I worked my tail off , and played some pretty good football.
I am proud of our team. We have been through a lot of turmoil this year, yet when the chips were down we came together. We’re riding a three game winning streak into the playoffs, and I’m not betting against my Dawgs the rest of the season.
Back in January, we started talking about rings. Well, we had some ups and downs, but we stuck together. We’re still a long way from a championship, but we’re in it. We have a chance, and when we were sitting on our home field after a second tough loss and a 3-4 record, we didn’t even think we had that.
I’m proud of my team. I wish I could be with them now that we’re in the playoffs, but my family comes first. Hopefully they all know I’m pulling for them. I don’t know if I will be able to make a trip during the playoffs, but I will be there on Sept. 11, when they come back to Chenoa to win it all.
People have a lot of bad ideas about what it means to be a man in this world. We have a lot of ill-conceived notions of manliness that are wrapped up in self-aggrandizing notions of honor and toughness. Little of what our culture tells us about being a man has any worth at all.
Being a man is not about who you can beat up. It is not about how many women you can score. It is not about how much alcohol you can handle. Being a man is not about how much money you make, or how many toys you can buy. It is not about the car you drive, the TV you watch, or the phone you carry.
Being a man (or woman, for that matter) is about a lot of things, but to me it is mostly about this: “How do you respond to adversity?”
When things aren’t going well, how do you respond? We all experience adversity. My adversity might not be on the same scale as others, but we all experience tough times. We all have lonely nights when the dawn seems so very distant. We all have relationships that need to be mended, and work that has been left undone.
The story of the Bible is full of people facing adversity. It starts with two people left with a tough choice – follow God’s will, or do what we want and eat that fruit? It tells the story of a family facing doom at every turn and at every generation. It tells of a people under persecution and slavery. It tells of a kingdom under attack, and kings under pressure. It tells us of God’s Son, arrested, mocked, betrayed and crucified.
At every turn, the Bible is a story of people facing adversity. How is it handled? How do people respond? Some fail. Some eat the fruit. Some pass their wife off as their sister so as not to endanger themselves. Some worship idols. Some run off, but get chased down by fish. Some take the easy way out.
Others find victory. Some wrestle with the angel, and come out with a limp, but come out nonetheless. Some wander in the desert, but persist and reach the Promised Land. Some stand up to the giant, with nothing but God on their side and a sling in their hand. Some preach the truth even when it is not popular.
And one found the final victory. One found the lost, set the captive free and gave sight to the blind. One healed the sick and fed the hungry. One regarded honor as foolishness, and pride as folly. One had the love in his heart to lay down his life for us all. One cast aside the power of God to take his place on a cross. And one rose again.
Being a man is about a lot of things, but God has taught me that it is really about one thing: responding to adversity.
And that is why I love football. It is a game. It is a foolish, violent game. Yet it is a test. Every time I put on the helmet, I know I will face adversity. Sometimes that adversity comes in the form of a 300 pound lineman staring me in the face, itching to cast me aside and crush my teammate.
Sometimes the adversity is exhaustion. Sometimes it is heat. Sometimes it is a sore ankle. Sometimes it is a lopsided score. Sometimes it is in-team disputes. But it is always adversity. It is always a physical, mental and emotional struggle. And everytime I get to answer the ultimate question: “How will I respond to adversity?”
I don’t win every contest. I don’t make every block. I don’t always like the answer I get to my question, but I keep trying. I pick myself up, look adversity square in the eye, and ask myself again, “How am I going to respond?”
The Twin City Dawgs walk by Chenoa United Methodist Church during the Chenoa Fourth of July parade
We’re halfway through the season, and I thought I’d take some time to reflect on my adventure as a semi-professional football player. It has been frustrating, exhilirating, sobering, and rewarding. So far I’ve played in three games (one was an exhibition). In two of them I was the starting right tackle. Our team record is 3-2. We started 1-2. We have five games left, and still have a shot at the playoffs if we keep winning.
I’ve been frustrated by my body and my schedule. I’ve missed three games. I missed one for a wedding I officiated. I missed another on the weekend I was ordained (Yes, it’s officially Rev. Dawg now). I missed a third because of an injury. The whole season I’ve gone from one annoying ailment to another. Right now I feel relatively good, and I’m looking forward to five straight games without a bye starting on July 10.
I want to share a little about what goes on in my mind on a Saturday as a game approaches.
One of my favorite parts of the day is arriving at the field. There are guys getting ready around the team bus. I am greeted with hand shakes, fives, fist-bumps, and nods. I am with my teammates, getting ready for a game, and I feel good. There is a special relationship between teammates before a football game. I think this feeling, above all else, is what I was wanting to find again when I started on this preposterous adventure. I take my time as I prepare my pads – putting them in the right place, adjusting straps, and taping parts. Eventually I walk down to our bench.
I walk out onto the field. I feel the sun on my face. I look at the field, the clean white stripes. I look out at the sea of green corn fields. I look up at the watertower. I look over at our opponents getting ready in much the same way we are. I find a place to sit, a little seperate from the rest of the team. I pray, usually something like this:
“Thank you God for all that you have given me. Thank you for my wife and daughter. Thank you for the incredible blessings in my life. Thank you for my church and my home, and for the chance to serve you. Thank you for the ability to play this game. Thank you for my teammates, for the relationships that I have built. Thank you for allowing me to pray and to play with them.
“I know God, that it is a violent game. I know Jesus said that the meek that will inherit the earth, and that meekness is seldom valued on a football field. Yet meekness is about putting the glory of others in front of my own. That is, after all, the job of an offensive lineman, right? And so I feel in my heart that you have sent me to this field. I believe you have called me to play for your glory.
“I ask that you bless this field. Send your Holy Spirit to guide me, my teammates and my opponents. Let us play this remarkable game with dignity and respect. Keep us free from injury, and allow us to go home from this place with heads held high.
“Again, I thank you God for this chance. There is no way I could be here without you. Use me today, as you do everyday, for your will. Let me be your instrument of grace so that someone may know the love of Jesus Christ, even on a football field.
“I thank you above all for your Son Jesus Christ. I thank you, the source of life, life abundant, and life everlasting. I pray these things in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
After I pray, we usually stretch as a team and do some warmups. One of the first things I do is find my wife and daughter. I almost always tear up when I see them – its a wave of emotions I cannot really describe.
I try to take it all in as much as I can. I savor every moment. I enjoy the sweat dripping off my brow. I enjoy taping my hands to get ready for battle. I enjoy looking into the eyes of my teammates knowing that we are in this together. I enjoy looking out at the crowd that is gathered, knowing they have come to watch us play our game. I enjoy hearing guys whoop and holler. I am usually quiet, yet inside my stomach is turning, my blood is pumping. I am simmering, ready to boil over.
It is time for football. It is the greatest game I have ever played, and I know that there are thousands of men wishing they could be doing what I am about to do. I thank God again for the chance to be doing something I love. I am ready. Kick-off.
5K 36:00 (Race for the Cure, Jun. '12)
35:15 (Firecracker Run, Jul. '12)
33:47 (Crimestoppers, Aug. '12)
31:40 (Lagomarcino's, Oct. '12)
26:52 (CASI St. Patrick's Day, Mar. '13)
26:28 (Railroad Days, Jun. '13)* *2nd place in age division
26:40 (Casa Guanajuato, Nov. '13)
30:30 (Modern Woodmen Knockout Hunger, Sep '14)** **3rd place in age division
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Seriously, it’s not even really close. In almost any way that you judge this, Illinois is the best overall basketball program to never win a national championship. Not only do they have the best program, but might have had two of the best teams to not win chamionships.
The Fat Pastor 