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December 12, 2012 · 5:04 pm

More “Your Momma’s so nice…”

So I went back into the old skype chat and found some that others came up with.  Again, I’m not attributing them unless they claim them.

Yo mama’s so nice, that often neighborhood children will perform chores for her, even if she doesn’t ask

Yo momma so nice that people deliver entrees and desserts  to her home even when she isn’t sick

Yo momma’s so nice that her porch is inundated with produce from people’s gardens all summer long

Yo momma’s so nice her dooky makes the house smell better

Yo momma’s so nice, she tried to jump into the pool, but walked on it instead.

Yo momma’s so nice that people buy bracelets that say “WWYMD?”

Yo momma’s so nice, she invited Satan to church, and served him communion. Now he’s working at a soup kitchen downtown.

Yo momma’s so nice that Ozzy Osbourne enunciates properly and refuses to curse around her.

Yo momma’s so nice that violent self-aware robots would make sure she’s safe before engulfing the world in a nuclear holocaust.

Yo momma’s so sweet that I kissed her cheek and got diabetes.

Yo mama’s so nice that Romulans went back in time to build her a planet.

Your momma’s so nice that zombies want to eat her brains and gain her knowledge, but they won’t do it

Yo mama’s so nice that her housecats pee rainbows.

Yo momma’s so nice that Metallica wants her to download their music.

Yo momm’as so nice that Christian Bale asks her nicely for a cappucino.

Yo momma’s so nice that Christopher Hotchens believes in her.

Yo Momma’s so nice that she joined a social networking website and they renamed it YoMommasBook.

Yo Momma is so nice that after an hour with her, John and Kate are happy again.

Yo momma is so nice that if she were cold, Iggy Pop would find a shirt to give her to put on.

Your momma’s so nice that MLK nominated her for the Nobel Peace Prize.  And she won.  And then they renamed the prize.

Yo momma’s so nice that the Rolling Stones won’t smoke in front of her.

Yo momma’s so nice that Puddle of Mudd started singing “She Hates Me,” saw her, then stopped.

Yo momma’s so nice that Rush Limbaugh has nothing to say about her

Yo momma’s so nice that Keith Oberman went off the air when she told him, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Yo momma’s so nice that Mary wears a t-shirt that says, “Yo momma is my homegirl.

There are a few more.

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Yo Mamma’s so nice…

Ever wonder what a group of pastors do during a long, boring set of speeches and resolutions at annual conference?  Well, one group got on their laptops, opened up a skype chat room and started telling “Yo Momma” jokes.  Only with a twist.  I did not come up with all of these.

Yo Momma’s so nice that she always says “please,” and “thank you,” and is very punctual.

Yo Momma’s so nice that she peed in a public pool and all the lepers were healed.

Yo Momma’s so nice that when she goes to a ballgame, the wave starts after her and stops before her because no one wants to make her stand up.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that during the seventh inning stretch she sings “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” for both teams, so no one feels bad.

Yo Momma’s so nice that when she goes to hockey games, no one fights becaue they know she wouldn’t approve.  Don’t even ask what they do at boxing matches.

Yo Momma’s so nice that Chuck Norris stopped kicking ass because she gave him a stern look.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that if her cell phone rings in a movie theater, someone pauses it for her.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that Germany reunited after  she said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall, please.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that, even though she is actually quite obese, no one tells Yo Momma jokes about her

Yo Momma’s so nice that when she faced the Philistines, Goliath surrendered.

Yo Momma’s so nice that she was Satan’s first choice, but God said, “Not her.  Mess with Job.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that when she was in the Garden, the serpent told her, “Whatever you do, don’t eat that fruit.”

Yo Momma’s so nice that when she walked into a bar with Mr. Rogers, people asked, “Who’s that asshole with Yo Momma?”

There are more

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300 pound metrosexual

I had my face waxed today.  Does that make me a metrosexual?  I know it sounds weird, but I hate shaving the long dark hairs high up on my cheek.  I don’t want to have a beard below my eyes.  Plucking them should be on the UN’s list of outlawed torture techniques.  Today when I got my haircut I asked Anne to wax my face (actually my wife did, because I was too chicken).  Waxing hurts, but not that bad.  More importantly, it worked.  

The only problem is that my hairs were particularly stubborn (I don’t know if I should be proud of that or not), so she had to do it like 11 times on the same spot.  I have some skin left on my cheek, but not much.  

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this, I just thought the image of the Fat Pastor getting his face waxed might strike someone as funny.  I might be the first 300 pound man to wax something other than his thicket of chest hair on some kind of dare.

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Site of the Week: The Last Page of the Internet

This page is totally pointless, but it made me laugh out loud. It is the last page of the internet, found at http://www.wwwdotcom.com (it is funnier if you read it out loud).

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