I’ve finally been convinced. I have decided that Competition is the only great motivator for excellence. Without competition, no one would strive for anything. Without competition, we will all be pathetic weak pansies waiting for handouts. The Oprafication of America has to stop, and Competition must be restored at all levels of society – starting with the great hallowed grounds of Competition – the sports arena.
To that end, I want to create a new temple dedicated to the heroes of Competition. Ben Johnson, Barry Bonds, Tonya Harding and Rosie Ruiz will be bronzed for all the world to worship. These Great Champions were pushed to new heights by Competition.
Ben Johnson and Barry Bonds were tremendous athletes. They were world-class, highly-paid professionals, yet no one would have called them “The Fastest Man on the Planet” or “The Greatest Player Ever,” until they went the extra mile. Driven to excellence, these two achieved all-time status. The fact that they are both pariahs today shows how weak the rest of us are. Bonds and Johnson put it all on the line – took chances – risked organ failure – shrunk their testes – for Competition. What have you done in the name of Competition?
Tonya Harding was a powerhouse on skates. She was the most powerful jumper in the world, but that Nancy-girl Nancy Kerrigan was threatening to dethrone her. So Harding took the Competition to the next level – outside the ice rink. She convinced her thug husband to whack Kerrigan on the leg. Now that is dedication. If Kerrigan were a true competitor, she would have been wearing shin guards.
And of course, the ultimate Competitor, Rosie Ruiz. She destroyed her competition by winning the Boston Marathon after running about 3,000 feet. Driven by the desire to win, Ruiz didn’t let anything – not even the first 26 miles of the race – stand in her way.
If conservative pundits have taught me anything these last few weeks, it’s this. Competition is Good. It might be the only True Good out there. Competition drives prices down, increases customer service, and is good for all of us. Pure, unadulterated, unencumbered, untested, untaxed, unregulated Competition is the only way we may have prosperity (its probably the only way to defeat the terrorists too).
So let’s stop the bull. I will only cheer for athletes that are saturated with steroids. I should be able to get stronger just by sucking the sweat out of my favorite player’s headband. In fact, owners should test their players and suspend anyone that is not completely bathed in the cream and the clear, because they obviously don’t want it bad enough.
After all, God helps those that help themselves, right? That’s in the Bible somewhere, I’m sure of it. I think its right after that stuff about not making idols.