This is the time of year when people across the country are planning their fantasy football draft. Fantasy Football is the place where geekiness and sports intersect, but I’m cranking up the geek factor with this fantasy draft. I’m taking the term “Fantasy Draft” to a new level. Three rules for drafting this fantasy team:
1. All fictional characters (with one exception)
2. No one is allowed to bring weapons/tools/special outfits.
3. Flying is not allowed – even if it is a natural ability of the character.
Quarterback: The number one draft pick has to be Superman, right? I remember in the movie he can really punt the ball. I can only assume he can throw pretty well too. (I also considered Uncle Rico, because he could throw a pigskin a quarter mile).
Running Back: Walter Payton (So this breaks two rules. One, he is not fictional, and two, he can clearly fly. Still, he’s my guy).
Backup Running Back: He-Man
Fullback: Kool-Aid Man. Have you seen the way this guy opens holes? He would be great in the power running game and on goal line. Probably wouldn’t be very good at catching passes.
Wide Receivers: The Flash and Sonic the Hedgehog on the outside. Wile E. Coyote in the slot. The Flash definitely has the speed on the outside to open the field. Not really sure if he has the hands, but he’s worth the risk. Sonic might be a little under-sized, but he can carry a bunch of rings at a time, so he can probably catch. He must have great hands. The Coyote has speed – not road runner speed, but he’s still fast and he clearly has a better chance of catching a football than a road runner. Plus, he can clearly take a pounding, so he’ll have no fear going across the middle. And finally, football fields have no cliffs, so I’m expecting 80 catches from this guy.
Tight End: Goro, the main bad guy from Mortal Kombat. He has a great physique, and is athletic enough to be a martial arts expert. And even though he only has three fingers on each hand, he has four hands, giving him two more fingers than the average tight end.
Offensive Line: Grape Ape at left tackle. We’ll give Grape Ape a simian buddy and put Donkey Kong at left guard. Violet Parr at center (she would be great at pass blocking). I’ll put the 6-2, 304 pound, and extremely athletic E Honda from Streetfighter II at right guard. The Iron Giant at right tackle.
Off. Coordinator: Professor Xavier. He would always be one step ahead of the defense.
Defensive Tackles: The Hulk and The Thing. It is possible that Hulk could get out of control. If he started to get too many penalties, he could be pulled for Optimus Prime.
Defensive Ends: Wolverine and Steve Austin (this one, not this one). Wolverine would have to be careful. Impaling left tackles would be considered a fifteen yard penalty. I would love to hear the Shh-na-na-na-na play as Steve Austin approached a quarterback in the pocket.
Linebackers: Panthro on the strong side. Tygra on the weak side and Lion-O in the middle. That’s right – a Thundercats linebacker corps. They’ve got (dare I say) cat-like quickness, strength, agility, and toughness. Not having the Sword of Omens limits Lion-O, but he’ll be all right. Cheetarah can come in as a Nickelback on passing situations. For years there have been rumors about a Thundercats movie. I hope they are more than rumors.
Strong safety: Sideswipe (the Transformer) has speed, strength and a little bit of cockiness. If he transformed into the sports car, it might be a tell for the safety blitz, but I wouldn’t want to pick him up.
Free Safety: Mr Fantastic. Can you imagine how valuable he would be in pass defense. It would be almost impossible to get over the top of him.
Cornerbacks: Spiderman and Silver Surfer. Spiderman would be an interception machine – even if he couldn’t bring his web shooters. The Surfer is sort second-class in terms of popularity, but apparently he’s kind of a bad-ass.
Defensive Coordinator: Darth Vader. There will be no holes in his defense – not even a small hole the size of a wamprat.
Kicker: Anton Lubchenko, before this happened to him.
So there you have it – the truly great Fantasy Football Team. By the way, if these guys played the ’85 Bears, the score would be Bears 46, Fantasy Team 10. Do you have any substitutions to suggest?
The Fat Pastor 