Mascot Bracket 2015 is a new game. We’re going “Battle Royal” style. Each site in the tournament will be a separate four-team battle. Throw them all in the ring, and see which mascot emerges. A couple ground rules, this year we’re going with pure Mascots. I gather as much information as I can about the mascot from their logo or the actual running-around guy in the costume. I’m taking everything that the mascot has on its person at face value. All weapons are allowed, but only if they are depicted with a weapon in official logos.
Louisville Battle: Kentucky Wildcat, Hampton Pirate, Cincinnati Bearcat, Purdue Boilermaker. The Pirate and the Boilermaker are humans with weapons, and neither the wildcat nor the bearcat are particularly formidable in a fight to the death. Really, this comes down to the big guy with a big hammer versus a pirate with a sword. This is a tough battle, and I’m not sure how it would go down. I’m giving it to Purdue Pete though, because the Pirate has a tough blind-side.
Columbus Battle: West Virginia Mountaineer, Buffalo Bull, Maryland Terrapin, Valparaiso Crusader. This is a tough group, but I don’t think that the big turtle would last very long. So we have a buffalo, an armored knight, and a guy in buckskin with a huge gun. At first glance, this seems like a clear example of a man with superior weapons beating the animal and the other guy. The buffalo however, is a pretty formidable opponent. This is where I wish I knew more about guns. All I know about the Mountaineer’s gun is that it is big. Really big. According to this article, it is enough gun to take down a black bear, so my only question is if he could reload and fire quick enough for it to be useful in the closed-quarters of the Mascot Bracket battle ring. Depending on which logo you look at, the Crusader does not appear to be armed with anything more than either a shield or his own dukes. I don’t think that shield is stopping any firepower, and armor or no, I’m picking the Mountaineer over this guy in closed-quarter combat.
Pittsburgh Battle: Butler Bulldogs, Texas Longhorns, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Northeastern Huskies. Three animals and a belligerent Irishman. If this battle was taking place on March 17, I’d probably give it to the Irish. A Longhorn however, would be pretty tough to bring down. No matter how much Guinness-fueled strength was available.
Omaha Battle: Wichita State Shockers, Indiana Hoosiers, Kansas Jayhawks, New Mexico State Aggies. This is one a tough call. We have the Lady Elaines, Ron Swansons, Foghorn Legorns, and this thing. Actually, Indiana doesn’t have a mascot or any logo beyond the IU symbol. Howie Hoosier continues to fight the good fight to be named as Indiana’s mascot, but at 127 likes on Facebook, there’s not exactly a groundswell of support. The Hoosiers are out. The Jayhawk is fried chicken after one shot. In the end, I believe that whatever dark magic that is animating the shock of wheat cannot be beaten with a simple gun shot, not matter how formidable the mustache.
Cleveland Battle: In the battle for the Final Four, we have the Boilermaker (man with hammer) Mountaineer (man with gun), Longhorn (big animal with horns), and the Shocker (magical wheat-creature). So here’s how it plays out: the Longhorn tramples the shock of wheat. A bullet might not hurt it, but a thousand pounds of hoofs would. The Mountaineer is able to take out the guy with a hammer, then has time to reload as the Longhorn plays in the hay. West Virginia makes it to the Final Four.